A little more about me …

 

If you asked me 15 years ago to answer this, I had a ready answer. I was armed with confidence, determined to pursue a TV Journalism career, and even though only in highschool, I was already equipped with some pretty decent experience… and lots of dreams.

 

And then life happened.

 

My older brother died suddenly. i screamed. i sobbed. and for the first time in my life, I didn’t have all the answers. my friends and parents didn’t have the answers. my own “goodness” and great academics and stacked extra-curricular portfolio couldn’t help me.

 

And so I looked up.

 

I was brought up in church, and if you asked me, I probably would have said I believed in God. But I knew (or thought I knew) that “academic types” don’t believe in God, and so when I did consider what I thought about God, I was often torn about it all. Still, to be fair, I had never really taken any time to get to know him, or even think that maybe he would want me to try to have a relationship with him. But somehow in the midst of my grief and broken mess, I looked up. I knew I needed something greater than me, greater than anything I had known in my 17 years of life. So one afternoon, just three weeks after my brothers death, I looked up … and with an honest heart, I said, “God, if you’re real, I want all of you”.  I may have known something of God before that day, but I can truly say that in that moment, my life changed. Some type of indescribable joy filled my heart. My brother had died 3 weeks earlier, but in that moment, as I looked up, I knew deep deep joy that welled up and overflowed and brought laughter into my heart. And nothing has been the same since.

 

So who am I?  I don’t know. I have failed, and failed again. I have found that I am not perfect. (you laugh. I do too, but in a way, I really used to think I was) I have found that there really is no good thing in me. I have thought I was “better than” and been a judger of many, only to discover after years, that mercy triumphs over judgement, and I have received sooo much mercy, can I not extend the same to my brothers and sisters, and those who have not yet met the one who changed me? I’ve been passionate for Him, but also proud, and in my pride, I have hurt many. I have said a thousand things I wished I could retract. Yet He has dealt with me kindly. He has broken me gently. His never ending kindness has led me to repentance.

 

If you have never met him, of course I sound like a fool, and that’s okay. How can you really understand what someone is like until you get to know them? So if my talk of God leaves you mystified, then I just want to encourage you, like I did myself years ago, to look up to God with an honest heart, and be willing to believe, and just ask Him, “God, are you real? Is there more of you than I have thought?”

 

If you have met Him, Then maybe you know a little of what I am talking about. Who am I? I don’t know. I know who I am not. I am nothing. Really. Without him, I am nothing. But not a “nothing” that leaves you in depression and despair because you realize that “apart from Me you can do nothing” and you see all your sin and darkness and failures (I’ve been there too), but a “nothing” that knows that, “it is Christ in me, the hope” (Colossians 1:27) Christ lives in me. That is enough. He can live this life that I have failed at countless times. His mercies are new each morning. His strength is without limit.

 

Beyond all that, I’m a stay at home mommy of two (for now) small kiddos, a preachers wife (though my husband works several jobs, his heart is primarily as a servant of the Lord, though he does a few other things to pay the bills) and hostess in a busy home, where hungry, loud (and fun) teenagers are often stopping in for youth group meetings, food, and fellowship.
This blog is my way to chronicle our adventures and lessons learned as a family, to share experiences and things we made or discovered … and to preserve some memories of life along the way. If you somehow stumbled here and made it this far into my bio … thanks for taking a minute to care :) and welcome.